his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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