I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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