All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
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You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
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I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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