Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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