I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
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It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
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I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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