Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
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he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
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The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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