I can't breathe out the right side of my face
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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