i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
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I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
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Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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