____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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