We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
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Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
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Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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