I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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