My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
no, he came in my armpit
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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