She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
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Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
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I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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