i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
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he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
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I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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