I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
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Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
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I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
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