I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
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While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Houston, we have a blender
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
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Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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