Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
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We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
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Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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