i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
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We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
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Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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