I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
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in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
we should paint friendship bongs
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