I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
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Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
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I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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