what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize