genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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