I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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