i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
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I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
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All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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