I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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