Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
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I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
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I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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