i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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