I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
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I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
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Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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