It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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