I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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