can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
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Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We talked him into tasing himself.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
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BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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