life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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