i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
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Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
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He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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