i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
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I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
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I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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