Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize