I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
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I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
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I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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