they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
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Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
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Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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