Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
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And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
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Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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