Soap is not a condiment
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
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I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
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And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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