just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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