I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
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You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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