My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
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There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
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The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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