My room smells like vodka and shame
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
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After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
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Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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