my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
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I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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