Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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