she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
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You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
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It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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