oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
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WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
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Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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