Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
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Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
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I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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