i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
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Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
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I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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