Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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